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Humorous News



Boris the Wart

Discuss this wound: 7 comments  | New User?

----Begin E-Mail----

Here are a few photos of my first wart. He was such a nuisance that I named him Boris after many considerations (Ward the Wart, One Eyed Little Shit, etc).

Boris lived happily on the index finger of my left hand for about two months; I didn't think much of him at first, since I had never even had a wart. He was kind of a novelty in the beginning, but like so many Pot Bellied Pigs in suburban households, he grew to be enormous. Strangers would catch sight of him and ask, "Hey, what's that on your hand?" or even "Dude, what's wrong with your finger?" When small children cowered away from me at the grocery store, I decided the honeymoon was over. After enduring many a horror story from a wart-prone coworker about the joys of Liquid Nitrogen, I made an appointment to put Boris in his place, and he now "sleeps with the fishes," as they say.

Having a wart frozen is no big deal. It's just cold. I was under the impression that they'd spray the stuff on me and I would wince in pain, tears forming in my eyes. But it was nothing, just cold. I suppose a haphazard young doctor could dump the whole canister of LN2 on you at one time, making for a major boo-boo.

As my doctor predicted, Boris ached a little during the remainder of the day, then he began turning black and developed a series of small blisters which later formed one huge blister all around and under him; see the picture 'Post Freeze' -- that red area is one huge blister. Before it was red, it was a kind of bright yellow. Very weird.

After about 5 days, I raked Boris against my desk and saw white for a few minutes... Afterward, I noticed he was leaking a pinkish, translucent fluid. A little while later, the blister-bubble underneath him had become a kind of floppy little bag, and after he was knocked against things around the house a few more times, Boris ripped wide open and was nothing more than a flap of necrotic tissue.

The picture "Almost Healed" documents what we call "Boris' Grave," and looks even better now after a few more days healing, except for a few painful direct hits while playing with our four-and-a-half month old kitten, Chairman Mao. Ouch.

----End E-Mail----

Editor's Notes:

Holy freezer burn, Batman! The phrase you use, "the joys of Liquid Nitrogen" was no joke. There is a whole subculture of Nitrogen worshipping science geeks out there on the interweb. Here are some "LN2" sites I found in a quick search.

  • Liquid Nitrogen Ice Cream- "Cooking with Chemistry" they call it, and it seems stupid, unless. Unless you've ever tried to make ice cream at home. Have you? It's a complete waste of time. Sure it eventually works, you feel self sufficient and decadent all at once, but you rarely do it more than once a year. You know, like baking your own bread or making homemade pizza. So maybe these guys are on to something.
  • 1001 things to do with liquid nitrogen- There are A LOT of wacky things to do with LN2 on this site, and even one practical use:
    Pour LN2 on the tile floor with a sweeping action as you walk. It gathers up dust into a gray mat like felt. It's sort of like using a water hose on a driveway to push dirt in one direction. Great for 'dusting' under heavy machinery or instruments. Sweep up the gathered dust at the edges of the room or the low point in the room and it's gone.
  • Liquid Nitrogen simulation of Aurora Borealis- Okay, you caught me, I didn't read this one, I just went and found these lyrics instead. Don't forget kids, rust never sleeps.
  • Liquid nitrogen baseball bat cannon- This contraption does not shoot high velocity baseball bats at your enemies as I had hoped when I first saw the link, but it's still pretty cool. A hollow, aluminum baseball bat is filled with LN2 and corked. The cork shoots. We all cheer. This could be a great non-lethal weapon for crowd control if it didn't have the same loading technique as an American Revolution era rifle. I'm sure the boys over at Powerlabs will make us a rapid fire cork gun made out of baseball bats and LN2 for our civil unrest needs, eventually. Until then their site does have video of the mpeg variety for your scientific enrichment.

This seems to be just the tip of the iceberg (if you'll pardon the pun) of the fun you can have with LN2. I even saw a site where a guy did his very own cryotherapy wart removal. I won't link to that because I can't find it again and also, like, don't do that.

Oh, back to the wound at hand (another pun, I can't stop), Boris looks like he's probably gone for good. He was a good wart. He will be missed.

Sharky

Photos:
Introducing- Boris the Wart
Post Freeze- blueberry tart
Popped- ouch
Drying up- healing nicely
Almost Healed- and Almost Famous

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